One Liners

One Liners
If you are meant to learn by your mistakes, why is it so many couples have more
than the one child.

Universal truths - Have you ever noticed that people who can't drive always slam car doors really hard.

One of the perks of ageing is that, whatever you buy new, it is unlikely that it will
wear out.

Comedy One Liners
The person who can smile in a crisis is someone who has just remembered that
there is someone else to blame.

Many countries have gun controls. But none seem to have idiot controls?

Definition of Hospitality - To make your guests feel as though they were home even if that is where they really wished that they were.

If knowledge as some say is power and if power corrupts, does that mean if you
study really hard that you will be evil.

Why do buses seem to travel at twice the speed when wanting to catch one than
when you are actually riding one?

I read a strange verse in a card the other day. It read " It is so miserable here
without you it is as though you are still with me".

Motto of the Day - If at first you do not succeed, perhaps skydiving is not your ideal choice of pastime.

Hilarious One Liners
Don't you find it funny that nowadays you can phone for a pizza quicker than
you can the police

A wise man once said "War will never determine which side was right - only
which side was left.

If you steal ideas from only one person, it will be deemed to be plagiarism. If you steal from many people, it is deemed to be research

Enjoying a clear conscience will usually be the cause of having a really bad
memory.

You need to have the ability to laugh at your own problems because everyone
else will.

Sound advice from a father: Don't ever fight an ugly child because what have
they got to lose?

Which would you prefer to have - artifical intelligence or natural stupidity?

Three Major Dilemma's
How do you know when you have run out of invisible ink?


Why do physics always ask you for your name?


If the Queen of England is ever asked for id does she just take a £10 note from her purse?

Amusing One Liners
My girlfriend went to a supermarket yesterday and bought a bottle of HP sauce. It will cost her 5p a week for the next 3 months.

My brother went on that new brandy diet. He lost 4 days last week.

Two fish are in a tank. One said to the other "I'll drive, you man the guns".

I got a compliment about my driving yesterday as when I returned to my car, someone had left a message on the windscreen that said "Parking fine".

A strange thing happened at a concert in Bermuda that we went to see when on holiday. The guy playing the triangle just disappeared.

One Liners
Strange but true - Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?

Love involves having a cuddle on the sofa whereas marriage involves one of you
sleeping on the sofa.

Marriage - the only institution where the man loses a Bachelor's degree and
where the women gains her Masters.

You know it is a hot day when you see farmers giving crushed ice to the chickens
to prevent them from producing hard boiled eggs.

Yesterday I went to our local paper shop. Guess what? It had blown away.

My brother went to the local store the other to buy a pair of camoflague trousers. Guess what? He couldn’t find a pair.

Funny One Liners
I was wondering why the cricket ball was getting bigger. It was then that it hit me.

How come it only cost 8 million dollars for the Titanic to be built but 250 million dollars for a movie to have been made about it.

Don't some children have strange names : Doug Graves, Hazel Nutt, Annette Kirton,
Eileen Dover and Nita Tidy.

A Hamburger goes into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic. "Sorry" said the barman "We don't serve food".

Dog One Liner Joke
Dog’s favorite school subject is "Dog-Ruff-ee”

Another Poor Joke One Liner about Fish
How would you name a fish which doesnt have an eye?
FSH!

Silly One Liner about Fish
How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Just cut its nose off.

Animal One Liner Joke
Do you know what cows usually do for entertainment?
They rent moo-oo-oo-vies!

Nice One Liner
How is a sheep which has no legs called?
A Cloud !

Ghost One Liner
What will the ghost say to a bee to scare it?
BOO-BEE

Humorous One Liner
Why was the fish expelled from school?
Because he was caught with seaweed.

Short One Liner
what do you call a man who have no arms and legs in a pool?
Bob

Funny One Liner
what do you call a man who don’t have any arms and legs sitting on your front porch?
Matt

Nice Joke
If you want a single day job per week, just become a garbage collector.

Funny One Liner
One of the easiest ways to drive costly cars is to become a driver.

English One Liner Joke
Seals are the only animals that have legal documents.

Joke
The best weapon to break anything is an unbreakable thing.

Really One Line One Liner Joke
Bathroom is the place where everyone sings at least one line.

Advice One Liner
If you dig a hole for treasure, always dig alone.

One Liner PJ
My headache is back but body is apart.

Funny One Liner
Please excuse me from being absent yesterday because I had diahoria.

Doctor One Liner
My daughter was under a famous doctor but didn’t pass the medical test exam.

Student One Liner Joke
Dear teacher, please excuse me from being absent from January 1, 2010 to December 31, 2010.